TLDR: I thought of most of this while Sydney and I ran around Clinton Lake for the trailhawks 11th birthday party. I thought that with “The Hawk” coming up, this might be kind of funny.

I am not much of a trail runner. I like trail running just fine. I mean, I’m not ANTI trail or anything. I totally see the appeal. I just think that in their hurry to promote the sport, the more avid, enthusiastic trail runners might gloss over some of the less appealing aspects of this particular activity. For instance:

The bugs. This is number one on my list of things I dislike about trails.

I get eaten alive by all manner of pests. Bug spray? Repellent? All that does is get in my eyes and all over my water bottles. Or what if the bug spray IS working? Oh my God! Can you imagine how much worse the biting would be?

And how about your friendly neighborhood spider? That is an industrious bug! It can rebuild a web in the 5 minutes between runners, ensuring everyone gets a faceful.

Lastly, and least…ly? The weird, random, unavoidable clouds of gnats hovering on the trail. Usually right around a bend or just after a downhill section.

The terrain:

Some trail runners are amazing! They fly over the rockiest, rootiest, most rutted ground like it’s the track at your local high school. They run full speed over unstable, unfriendly ground at a constant pace (faster than I’ve ever ran) for entire ultramarathons. I, on the other hand, go 5k and start picking my way gingerly down the downhill sections and dramatically powerhike the uphills.

The Views:

“Oh! The views when you run trails are so breathtaking!”

“Oh! It’s so pretty! You don’t get these views on the roads!”

Probably. I wouldn’t know. The views I get are

A. The ground 3-10 feet in front of me or

B. The runners that are going past me as I step aside to let them by.

Sometimes you CAN get a nice view.

And if you don’t take in the ground view by hitting it face first, it’s even better 😂

Speaking of hitting it face first…

The injuries:

Like running isn’t tough enough! The types of common injuries from just plain running range from head to toe, literally! https://www.runnersworld.com/health-injuries/a35994829/running-injuries/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_rnw_md_pmx_us_urlx_17889989192&gclid=CjwKCAjwxaanBhBQEiwA84TVXCfUm0-OMQOnDm_6tK4-2RzyUUKc0flfTRtglKjIwhi_6NhsECffVxoCQCwQAvD_BwE

Now we are on trails. Go ahead and add broken teeth, sprained wrists and fingers, stubbed toes, and snake bites to the list!

Other people:

So you still want to run trails? Great! Get to the trailhead early! If it’s a good day for trail running, it’s also a good day for mountain biking, nature photography, family hiking, weed smoking, day drinking, teen necking, and off-leash dog walking. Most of the people I encounter on the trail will be friendly and nice. The problem isn’t with “the people.” The problem is “people.” I’m trying to get my shuffle on, and some lady is piling leaves over her dogs mess. Or I’m trudging a tough uphill, and a gang of bikers comes bombing down that same hill. Or I finally hit a nice pace on a rare run-able stretch, and there’s a family with a toddler, trying to practice walking.

I know I’m coming off as grumpy and anti-social. And it’s pretty selfish, thinking other people enjoying the same thing I enjoy is a problem. But they’re not doing it right! *stomps foot*

Soon, I will be trying to cope with all of this (and more) during a 100-mile trail ultramarathon. I’m only a tiny bit nervous! The Lawrence Trail Hawks put on awesome events with fantastic support. Sydney has a great team of crew and pacers lined up. Hopefully, there’s a break in the weather, so the only things I need to worry about are the distance and the terrain. And the bugs.